August 4, 2002
As a child, I remember the rare occasions when I would stay up late. The television stations would feature public service announcements asking parents “It’s ten o’clock, do you know where your children are?” The announcement was intended to elicit the parent’s involvement in their children’s lives, if only to the extent of knowing their whereabouts.
Recently, some similar public service announcements have aired that are a little more elaborate. One features a teen-aged girl, whispering to various members in a dance club. Several give her negative response, but finally one gives a positive response and slips her something discretely. The girl makes her way to the ladies’ room, enters a stall, then produces a cell phone with which she supposedly phones home asking for more time at the club. The conversation is remarkably cordial, ending with the girl agreeing to an 11:00 curfew.
A similar announcement features a young man, teen aged, preparing for a night out. In all honesty, the first time I saw it, I thought it was a girl. The boy has long hair, and is dressed in (what I considered) effeminate apparel. His hair is bleached, long and drawn in a ponytail. He has at least one earring and is apparently bound for some youth event. On the way out, his mother asks with whom he is going, where they are going, and when he will be home. To each response the boy answers cordially.
In both of these announcements, a voice-over is heard saying “Let your kids be who they are, but know what they are doing. Parents: the Anti-Drug.”
Is anybody buying this load of baloney? Have these people forgotten what it was like growing up? Did they have any siblings?
I remember this time in my life and that of my sister and those encounters were anything but cordial. Usually, the conversation went more like this:
Mom: “Where you going?”
Kid: (agitated) “Out.”
Mom: (anxious) “Who are you going with?”
Kid: (getting angry) “I don’t know, just some people.”
Mom: (annoyed) “Well, when are you coming home?”
Kid: (irate) “Why do I always get the third degree. Nobody trusts me around here. I can’t do anything without somebody getting all in my business. I just want to go out with my friends. OK? What’s so bad … “ (storming out of the house)
The parent asked the questions, like the public service announcement suggests, but the kids (myself included) were seldom forthcoming with meaningful information.
While I admire the objective of the public service announcements, and agree whole-heartedly with the idea that parents need to be involved in their kids’ affairs, I think the announcements are somewhat naďve in their approach.
The teen years are a time when all kids (with very few exceptions) want to be independent of their parents. This is natural. One way they manifest this independence is in open rebellion to their parents. They see their parents’ (justifiable) inquiries as an invasion into their life – as if their very decisions are being questioned.
Another of the public service announcements that I saw ends with a mother saying “I know she doesn’t use drugs – because I ask.” This is another announcement that I feel is a bit naďve. It leaves parents with the false sense that simply asking their kids if they use drugs is all the involvement needed to keep kids drug-free.
The truth of the matter is, that kids who are involved with drugs aren’t going to simply ‘fess up when asked. In fact, the kids who will be honest with their parents aren’t the ones at greatest risk.
I am reminded of the story of the explorer who encountered two primitive peoples. One group, he was told, will always tell the truth, the other, would always lie. So, to ask either group the question “Are you a truth-teller?” would elicit a “Yes” answer. This means that the truth-telling group would truthfully answer that they were telling the truth, while the lie-telling group would also answer that they were telling the truth.
Ask a kid who is not using drugs if he is using drugs, and he will answer truthfully that he is not. Ask a kid who is using drugs if he is using drugs and he will answer that he is not – to cover for his infraction.
So, how do you ensure your kids are not using drugs? Get in their business. Know their friends and those they hang out with. Invade their privacy. Know what they are hiding in their rooms. Hold them accountable. If you don’t hold them accountable, the courts will. And when they get in trouble with the law, they will feel like they have been dealt a great injustice. They always got away with things at home, why is society getting all over their case now? Kids need to learn at home that they will be held accountable for doing wrong – and that there will be consequences.
It’s the parents’ responsibility to train kids on proper behavior, that they are responsible before those in authority, and that their actions do bear consequences.
So, should you just let kids “be who they are?” This is Dr. Spock’s philosophy that states that kids will be kids and if a parent tries to impress a behavior on the child the child will be emotionally scarred for life. What does the Bible say about letting kids “be who they are?”
(Proverbs 22:6 NIV) Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.
The word “train” implies defining the boundaries as well as disciplinary correction. The same word is used to described topiary (intricately trimmed hedges). If left alone, the shrub will be gangly and roughly shaped. But training involves pruning, binding limbs, and LOTS of attention.
(Proverbs 22:15 NIV) Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.
“Folly” refers to mischief or poor decisions and selfish behavior. It is natural for a child to be self-centered—to seek only what pleases them. In so doing, they become quite the opposite from what God calls us to be: humble, charitable, and kind. Corporal punishment is spelled out in the Bible. Do not confuse this with abuse. Lovingly administered discipline is the best thing for a child in that they learn that there are consequences to their actions. Corporal punishment is good because it is a timely application of the consequences. In life, some consequences take a long time to mature and thus, many children do not learn from this process. It is through training and discipline that they learn to anticipate the consequences of their actions beforehand.
(Proverbs 23:13 NIV)
Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod,
he will not die.
(Proverbs 23:14 NIV)
Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death.
The reference to death above speaks of spiritual death. Children need to be taught what is right spiritually. If they are not, then they hold no value for the sanctity of God and his commands.
(Proverbs 29:15 NIV) The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.
How many times have you seen that unruly child in the grocery store? As he gets into some mischief, his mom says, “Jason, I’m going to count to three. One, Two…. Jason, I’m not kidding! One, Two, … JASON, COME HERE RIGHT THIS MINUTE!” Meanwhile, Jason has figured out that he can do what he wants until mom blows her stack. Then he comes back to his mother’s side long enough for her to get distracted, and then he goes back to doing what he wants. She never gets to “three.” The punishment is never delivered, Jason still thinks the world revolves around him, and the mom has just made a complete fool of herself publicly.
Parents are responsible for the discipline of their kids. Parents can influence whether their kids get into drugs or not. But keep in mind that the world’s philosophy on how to do this has failed. We need to get back to God’s plan for disciplining children. The secular media doesn’t have the answer – but God’s word does.